Wednesday, March 18, 2009

The Witch Coming Out In Me

Today the witch that resides within my body made a grand appearance. The witch is always there - sometimes buried deep within my soul and other times it is found lurking under the surface. Then when things get really bad, the witch makes her escape and the day turns sour.

Now, if you are not in the mood to her me moan and groan, do not read on. I've got to get this out!

As some of you know, Jeremy and I have had some issues in the baby department. We were fortunate enough to get pregnant with Colby after about 6 months and then the pregnancy went well for the first five months. Colby was born at 7 months, but praise God, all went well for him in the long run. Since then we have gotten pregnant and miscarried 3 times - once at 13 weeks, once at 8 weeks, and once at 4 weeks. Some of you have had this experience and you know the physical and emotional toll it takes on the body. You mourn, you deny, you get depressed, you question why, and sometimes you get mad...............which leads to my neighbor.

In the early fall we got new neighbors. They moved into a home that is located just behind ours. We hoped they would have a little boy Colby's age so he would have a play mate. We got our wish! They have a son that is 5..........and one that is 3........and one that is 2..........and one that is 1. Wow! Jeremy and I were astonished at their good luck in family making (they are either the most fertile people I know or they REALLY like each other!) Then we got to watching the way they take care of their family. Great. No one works. They don't watch their kids. There is a constant flow of traffic in and out of the house they live in. Not the best situation according to my noisy neighbor stalking.

So I try to be nice. I am friendly and their oldest son spends HOURS at our home playing and having meals with us. I love him and he is welcome any time. Today when I walked over to get their son, Mom had big news. They are pregnant again. Bam. The dagger went in my heart. They don't want this baby and seriously considered giving it up for adoption. Rip. The dagger was twisted repeatedly in my heart. Then they decide they "guessed" they would just have to keep it. Wham. In and out the dagger goes.

As if I am not stunned enough, Mom boldly announces that this will however be their last. "Oh, are you getting a tubal?" I ask. No! They don't have any kind of health insurance that would cover anything like that. But.............lucky for Mom.........the tax dollars that you and I pay in each week is getting Dad neutered! Apparently 3 lucky men get to have the family gems transformed each year thanks to the health department and their 5 kids qualifies them! Pardon me while I cringe.

This is the exact kind of thing that pisses me off to no end!!!! I get so frustrated because I CAN take care of another child and here I am living month to month waiting for ovulation and periods. And here she is with babies coming out her ears! AHHHHHHHHHHH!

I know God has a plan for me and I know that He knows best. There is a reason that I am not adding to my family right now. I just get so down and frustrated when situations like this are thrust in my face.

So when I took the boys and left Mom I came in the kitchen.....banged around the dishes while making supper for one of her litter...........sang to the tops of my lungs to 107.1 WUHU............cried a little........and then had to vacuum out the stove again for my messed up meal.

The witch has let it out and is now ready to quietly slither back into her hiding place until she next appears. I hope she hibernates for a while.


Heather said...

I know someone that sounds just like the family your describing. They just keep having them while getting every kind of help they can get and then just brag and brag when they get their tax refund back!! On the flip side, I also have a few friends who are having trouble having a family and would be GREAT parents. So it's hard to comprehend how that works, but I know God has a reason for everything and it's not for us to understand it all. But I completely get why you needed to vent about this one.

The Stice's said...

I know how you feel, and it can be so frustrating! As hard as it can be, we just have to leave it in God's hands, because he does have a plan for us! Keep praying and remember that there is a reason for everything.

Mama Mia said...

1. You really need to be a writer!!

2. Your neighbors need, well I better not say on here what they need!!!!

3. Your time will come. I too know that everything happens for a reason, but I'm not really patient either.

4. How's the weight loss going? I went to the doctor and got "magic pills" to magically make my fat go away!!!!!

Nan said...

Brooke, I can feel a little of your pain. I also had trouble becoming pregnant between the boys and lost a baby to miscarriage around 13 weeks. It was honestly one of the hardest things ever, to try so hard and lose one of the most precious gifts. I was left wondering why things happened the way they did, even though I knew there was a reason. I, like you, would look around at all the other expectant people in the world and try to figure out what in the world was going on! I finally accepted that everything would happen in its own time, and now I have my wild little Jacob! ;) So many things we don't understand, but when it's all said and done, I don't think we're meant to have all the answers.

Careful with the're gonna have to buy a new vacuum before long! ;o)

Carol said...

Oh Brooke, you know I know just how you feel. But, if God can answer our prayer, He can most definitely answer yours. I can see now that if my other two pregnancies had "worked" I wouldn't be able to have the joy that I have right now. He has a plan. I know, sometimes we wish He'd ask for our opinions, but we have to trust that He will send us what we need when we need it. Easier said than done sometimes though..I know. Hang in there! Thanks for your sweet words on my blog.

Brandie said...

Wow!! Sounds like those people are a little! I wish you the best..sometimes we can't understand things right at the moment..but God works miracles in his own time..I enjoy reading your blog!! :)