Saturday, September 26, 2009

An Apology From the Pregnancy Hormones

Dear Readers,

To each of you who know Brooke, I feel the need to write an apology of sorts on her behalf. You may have noticed a change in her recently, but I am to blame for that………….this letter is from her hormones.

Now many of you love Brooke and think that she is s good friend and fun person to be around. In the past few weeks many of you may think differently. She can’t help it. We hormones have taken over her body and transformed her in to the demon woman she occasionally has been.

To her sweet husband, Jeremy: We are sorry that you don’t know if you should speak to her or run for cover. We are sorry that she changes her mind at the drop of a hat. We are sorry that she has thrown countless items at you and cussed you time and time again. We are sorry that she begs your father to let you come and live with him on a daily basis. She does love you. It’s just that our “hormone power” over takes her rational basis of thought and she can’t think about how much she loves you. One day Brooke will return and you can rekindle that marital flame………..she may even let you touch her again! No promises there, but we are hoping for the best.

To the lady that works at the McDonald’s drive in: We are sorry that Brooke told you that you would get farther in life if you would smile once in a while. We are sorry that she held up the drive through line for 10 minutes on day refusing to move her car until you gave her the LARGE cup of water she had asked for. And we are sorry that she told the manager that she should hire people that have enough sense to know the difference in a small cup and large cup. Once again it was just us hormones. Brooke had nothing to do with it.

To the poor Hispanic man who watched Brooke’s pants fall to the ground in the CVS parking lot: We apologize for we know your life will never be the same. You see, that day she was mad because she couldn’t find any pants she wanted to wear. She felt the most rational decision would be to wear the pants she wanted to (not maternity pants) unbuttoned and unzipped. Little did she know they would fall to her ankles as she buckled her oldest son into his car seat. I’m sorry you had to see her that way. Brooke typically keeps her clothes on in public, but we hormones seem to make her a bit crazy and do things out of the ordinary.

To the employees at Wal-Mart: We hormones apologize for Brooke throwing up in the dairy isle, in the canned food isle, in the checkout, and near the seafood department during the past 4 months. She has been awfully queasy thanks to us, but soon she may be able to go grocery shopping without throwing up!

To the mailman: Sorry Brooke left you a hateful letter about your inability to close the mailbox.

To the mail order prescription company Medco: Sorry Brooke told you to get your head out of your a$$, speak English, and fill her husband’s medicine before he slipped into a diabetic coma.

To the workers at Western Kentucky Orthopedic: Brooke hates you. It’s not just because of us hormones. If it didn’t take you 7-10 days to fill out a one page form then she wouldn’t call to check on you four times a day to see if you are finished. Fill out the form and she will leave you alone. We can’t apologize for that one.

To any other Brooke has insulted or been downright mean to (or will insult and be downright mean to): We hormones apologize from the bottoms of our hearts. We have taken over her body and sense of compassion and replaced them with anger and bitterness. Don’t worry. When she gives birth in a few short months we will move on and our friends “Postpartum depression” will try and slip on in. They are even more of a mystery then we are!

The Pregnancy Hormones


Nan said...

Girl, you are HILARIOUS!!! I pictured every bit of that...even the parts I didn't really want to ;) I can say I'm with you on the Western Kentucky Orthopedic part...I DO NOT like them anymore either, so that has anything to do with the pregnancy hormones! Hang in there sister...that sweet baby will be here before you know it, and this will all be a great story to re-tell one day :o)

Heather said...

Love it!! You are hilarious!!

Wanda May said...

This might some poor woman in court someday...did your pants really fall

J.J. & Katy said...

okay... that might just be my favorite post. it's a tough call, but very possible...

Jeremy, Shauna, & Kennedy said...

That is hilarious!! Don't worry, I was the same way when I was pregnant. It is uncontrollable!

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