Waxing Gone Wrong

Okay friends. I have to share this with you. Please know I DID NOT WRITE THIS and THIS DID NOT HAPPEN TO ME!!! I recieved this in an email and thought it was the funniest thing I have ever read! Enjoy..........and be prepared to crack up!

Waxing

My night began as any other normal weeknight. Come home, fix dinner, play with the kids. I then had the thought that would ring painfully in my mind for the next few hours:

'Maybe I should pull the waxing kit out of the medicine cabinet.'

So I headed to the site of my demise: the bathroom.. It was one of those 'cold wax' kits. No melting a clump of hot wax, you just
rub the strips together in your hand, they get warm and you peel them apart and press them to your leg (or wherever else) and you pull
the hair right off.

No muss, no fuss. How hard can it be? I mean, I'm not a genius, but I am mechanically inclined enough to figure this out.

(YA THINK!?!)

So I pull one of the thin strips out. Its two strips facing each other stuck together. Instead of rubbing them together, my genius kicks in so I get out the hair dryer and heat it to 1000 degrees.

('Cold wax, yeah...right!') I lay the strip across my thigh. Hold the skin around it tight and pull. It works!

OK, so it wasn't the best feeling, but it wasn't too bad. I can do this! Hair removal no longer eludes me! I am She-rah, fighter of all wayward body hair and maker of smooth skin extraordinaire.

With my next wax strip I move north. After checking on the kids, I sneak back into the bathroom, for the ultimate hair fighting championship. I drop my panties and place one foot on the toilet. Using the same procedure, I apply the wax strip across the right side of my bikini line, covering the right half of my hoo-ha
and stretching down to the inside of my butt cheek (it was a long strip) I inhale deeply and brace myself....RRRRIIIPPP!!!!

I'm blind!!! Blinded from pain!!!!.....

Vision returning, I notice that I've only managed to pull off half the strip. CRAP! Another deep breath and RIPP! Everything is
spinning and spotted. I think I may pass out...must stay conscious....must stay conscious. D o I hear crashing drums??? Breathe, breathe...OK,back to normal.

I want to see my trophy - a wax covered strip, the one that has caused me so much pain, with my hairy pelt sticking to it. I want
to revel in the glory that is my triumph over body hair. I hold up the strip!

There's no hair on it.

Where is the hair??? WHERE IS THE WAX???

Slowly I ease my head down, foot still perched on the toilet. I see the hair. The hair that should be on the strip...it's not! I touch. I am touching wax.

I run my fingers over the most sensitive part of my body, which is now covered in cold wax and matted hair. Then I make the next BIG mistake...remember my foot is still propped up on the toilet?

I know I need to do something. So I put my foot down.

SEALED SHUT!!!!

MY BUTT IS SEALED SHUT!

SEALED SHUT!!!!

I penguin walk around the bathroom trying to figure out what to do and think to myself 'Please don't let me get the urge to poop. My
head may pop off!'

What can I do to melt the wax?

Hot water!! Hot water melts wax!! I'll run the hottest water I can stand into the bathtub, get in, immerse the wax-covered bits and the wax should melt and I can gently wipe it off,right???

WRONG!!!!!!!******

I get in the tub - the water is slightly hotter than that used to torture prisoners of war or sterilize surgical equipment - I sit.

Now, the only thing worse than having your nether regions glued together, is having them glued together and then glued to the
bottom of the tub...in scalding hot water.

Which, by the way, doesn't melt cold wax.

So, now I'm stuck to the bottom of the tub as though I had cemented myself to the porcelain!! God bless the man who had convinced me a few months ago to have a phone put in the bathroom!!!!!

I call my friend, thinking surely she has waxed before and has some secret of how to get me undone. It's a very good conversation
starter.......

'So, my butt and hoo-ha are glued together to the bottom of the tub!'

There is a slight pause. She doesn't know any secret tricks for removal but she does try to hide her laughter from me. She wants
to know exactly where the wax is located, 'Are we talking cheeks or hole or hoo-ha?'

She's laughing out loud by now...I can hear her. I give her the rundown and she suggests I call the number on the side of the box.

YEAH!!!!! Right!!

I should be the joke of someone else's night.

While we go through various solutions. I resort to trying to scrape the wax off with a razor. Nothing feels better than to have your girlie goodies covered in hot wax, glued shut, stuck to the tub in super hot water and then dry-shaving the sticky wax off!!

By now the brain is not working, dignity has taken a major hike and I'm pretty sure I'm going to need Post-Traumatic Stress counseling for this event.

My friend is still talking with me when I finally see my saving grace....the lotion they give you to remove the excess wax.

What do I really have to lose at this point? I rub on and.



The scream probably woke the kids and scared the dickens out of my friend. Its sooo painful, but I really don't care.

'IT WORKS!! It works!!' I get a hearty congratulation from my friend and she hangs up.

I successfully remove the remainder of the wax and then notice to my grief and despair....

THE HAIR IS STILL THERE.......ALL OF IT!

So I recklessly shave it off. Heck, I'm numb by now.Nothing hurts. I could have amputated my own leg at this point.

Next week I'm going to try hair color



Now friends this makes our bad days look pretty great doesn't it!

Things to Make You Smile

This was forwarded to me in an email and I had to share with you all! Enjoy!

TWENTY NINE LINES TO MAKE YOU SMILE

1.. My husband and I divorced over religious differences He thought he was God and I didn't.
2.. I don't suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it.
3.. Some people are alive only because it's illegal to kill them.
4.. I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.
5.. Don't take life too seriously; No one gets out alive.
6.. You're just jealous because the voices only talk to me.
7.. Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.
8.. Earth is the insane asylum for the universe.
9.. I'm not a complete idiot -- Some parts are just missing.
10.... Out of my mind.. Back in five minutes.
11.. NyQuil, the stuffy, sneezy, why-the-heck-is-the-room-spinning medicine.
12.. God must love stupid people; He made so many.
13.. The gene pool could use a little chlorine.
14.. Consciousness: That annoying time between naps..
15..Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
16.. Being 'over the hill' is much better than being under it!
17.. Wrinkled Was Not One of the Things I Wanted to Be When I Grew up.
18..Procrastinate Now!
19..I Have a Degree in Liberal Arts; Do You Want Fries With That?
20..A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
21..A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance.
22..Stupidity is not a handicap. Park elsewhere!
23..They call it PMS because Mad Cow Disease was already taken.
24..He who dies with the most toys is nonetheless DEAD.
25.. A picture is worth a thousand words, but it uses up three
thousand times the memory.
26..Ham and eggs....A day's work for a chicken, a lifetime commitment for a pig.
27..The trouble with life is there's no background music.
28..The original point and click interface was a Smith & Wesson.
29..I smile because I don't know what the heck is going on.

Dislike

As all of you "facebookers" know there is a feature where you can "like" someone's status by clicking the "like" button. Often times I "like" what others have done or have to say for the day. Personally I think my life is in need of a "dislike" button these days! I know that my irritation stems from the extreme lack of sleep that I have been dealing with, but there have been MANY things in the last few days that sent my "dislike" sensor into overload!

1. Cleaning house.........over and over and over again.
2. Spit up in my hair.......that I don't find until I get to work and some kid points it out to me.
3. A husband who sleeps soundly ......... a lot more than I do......... and still complains about being tired.
4. Having family in the hospital...........the running to and from is EXHAUSTING.
5. Babies that have trouble pooping.
6. Doing homework with my 5 year old.
7. The cork gun my sister brought Colby back from the Smoky Mountains last week.
8. The line "I didn't do it."
9. Online lecture classes.
10. My inability to control my bladder when I sneeze or cough thanks to pregnancy.
11. My scales (which I actually tossed against the wall this week).
12. Cooking.
13. How quickly my kids grow.
14. Kids that roll their eyes at me.
15 The smart mouth my son gained in kindergarten.
16. The price of gas.
17. Going to the grocery store.
18. Sending my husband to the grocery store (maybe if we didn't go I wouldn't get mad at the scales!)
19. Cold weather.
20 Driving to work in the dark thanks to daylight savings time!

Woah!

Apparently the Mommy Milk is working! Jeremy and I cracked up when we put these pictures side by side! Look at how much he has grown in only one month!

Dear Cooper

Well Cooper, it is so hard to believe that you are two months old today! I can't believe how quickly the time has gone by! You are getting so big so fast! Your Daddy and I laugh all the time and refer to you as "Chunky Monkey" because you are so much bigger than Colby was at this age. You are wearing clothes he didn't wear until he was four months old!



This may have something to do with you wanting to eat every two hours. At night that is. But I am gonna just pretend you get up that often because you miss me because I had to go back to work already (don't you wish Daddy was rich so I could be at home!? :) ).



We don't know exactly what you weigh right now, but you go for your two month check up with Dr. Kelly on March 26th. I dread the shots but I'm sure you will handle it better than Mommy will!



You are starting to "ooh" and "coo" a lot! We all love sitting around in the afternoon and talking to you! Everytime you let out a big coo your big brother tries his best to figure out what you have said. So far Colby believes with all his might that you have said "Brother" "No" "Great" "Hungry" and "Now". Really all you say though is WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAa...........but only when you are hungry!

You are also tracking objects with your eyes more. You watch us when we come in and leave the room and Colby is great about shoving toys in your face for you to look at. I fear you may end up crossed eyed though because sometimes he moves them so fast! :)

The day I went back to work I cried and cried but when I came home that day you gave me a big smile and it made it all okay! You smile for me and Colby every day now. You are selective in your smiling though and stop the minute your Daddy or Pa come around (I secretly find this very funny!).

Now that the weather if finally getting warmer we are getting you out more. We have been to church and even braved a couple of trips out to eat. Other than that you are confined to the house and the house of close family and friends we have visited. We have been taking walks on days that are warm and sunny though and you LOVE to be in the snuggly on my front! This is your favorite way to travel, but you are also okay with the stroller and car seat.



Thanks for being such a good baby! We love every minute we have with you and can't wait to see what you will learn next.............well really we can..............we would love to freeze you as a baby forever!.........well maybe we would wait to freeze you when you learn to sleep longer at night!

We love you Cooper!

Apology

One of my devoted readers who I love dearly has complained that my blog is getting a little draggy...........and I have to agree. For that I apologize. She said that I need to get my "funny" back and with that I also agree. There's only one problem. My "funny" has done gotten up and left. In it's place are "exhausted" and "slightly pissed off." Which one do you want writing to you? ;)

First Family of Four Photos

As you know a couple of weeks ago my sweet friend Angie Wingfield took our very first family of four pictures! If you would like to take a look at a few check out her blog here. Let me know how you like my little cowboy too!